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So this is my life. [entries|friends|calendar]
She who shall not be named.

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Transitions are never easy [23 May 2008|02:26pm]
It's the end of this school year.
The beginning of summer.
It's all transitioning.. and I think it throws me off. Like...... WAY off..
these past few days.. I've just been all over.. but I always come back to an uneasy feeling of dread.
Everything is really good... but just... I guess.. I'm afraid that when this year [school] ends, just as it was starting to get good.. that the good things will end as well.. or something?
I really can't identify what exactly this feeling is.
I just feel doubtful or something?
about like.. everything.. I don't know whats going on... And it's annoying. Hm.. I dont know.. I just.. want this to pass as quickly as possible.

eck.
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an infinite setting [18 May 2008|11:15pm]
in a time and place where nothing can be defined by one
one is defined by the time, by the place, by the air flowing through ones lungs
you attempt to take it, to make it yours, it is but intangible...
yet if
you feel it, it will be yours, and feeling being intangible, pairing it with this... two of the same make a difference
thus it is now tangible.


Don't you see?

I've never before seen so clearly.
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and it's been so long. [10 May 2008|11:02pm]
Busy is I.
Woo.
Working at Hard Rock Park.. isn't that amazing?
Started good, but it's been pretty slow recently.
I have a boyfriend.
Tripp.
He is everything.
There is too much to begin to explain so I will leave it at that.
I'm tired.
And I'm feel ill. You know? Yeah. But I've never been happier in my life.
It's good. And my grades are like... way up there.. 100 average in Honors English. Wudafux word.

Things are good. I hope they remain...
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Hey you. [21 Apr 2008|09:05pm]
I like it when you talk to me. Your voice is like velvet.
I like the words you use when you speak. It's so eloquent in the most absurd of ways.
I like when you look at me with those dark grey-blue eyes with such passion.
I like it when you steal a quick kiss from my lips.
I like it even more when you kiss me with longing and let it linger.
I like it when you play with my hair and tickle me.
I like it when you laugh.
I like it when you smile.
I like it when you explore.
I like it when you breath.
I like it when your heart beats.
I like when you hold me so tight.
I love you.


Comehome.
Homeishere.
Comehere.
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And in such ways... [20 Apr 2008|02:31pm]
and I don't know what to say
because everyday seems like fate.
And isn't it strange?
Well I think it is
but in the most wonderful of ways..
my dear. What is this?
With him.
Or him.
And now you?
Well he is done...
and he never was.
So what are you?
Where they just pawns in this game played like fate
to make me wait for you?
Because this seems more than true.
You are... absolute.
And you thought of that word as I thought of it.
And this is bliss.
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Devastation [17 Apr 2008|09:57pm]
Obscure eyes
so enigmatic
and the shadows lurking underneath
a sorrowful look
but I can make you smile, my love.
A strong jaw
and soften lips
one I would soon hope to kiss.
You capture me
and I am in rapture
Oh, my heart stops with your stare
no one else can compare
If I dared to make such an attempt
they would fade away like shadows
exposed to the light.

You are devastating.
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And you're not sure if you want to be... [17 Apr 2008|09:38pm]
I am unsure and so sure all at the same time.
I know what I feel. I know what I want.
But my logic tells me this can't be real.
You are the perfection I have been seeking.
No, no one is perfect.
No on at all.
But you are perfect to me.
I hope you understand that...
you devastate me in the best sense of the word.
You take me and destroy me, no.. destroy is a negative word.
You cleanse me.
You make me new again.
I feel as you said, weightless with you.
Suspended in time.
But this is 'wrong'
according to many
Of course...
because of the distance
because of my parents
because of our others...
Tonight, must be proof...
of what truly lingers beneath our heavy words.
Mustn't it?
Oh tell me it is!
I am empty without you..
and don't you know you are my oxygen
without you, I cannot breathe.
And you have the unrelenting fear of making me uncomfortable..
but I've never felt so at home with you.
Everything is right with you.
And don't you know?
It's so silly that you don't see.
It seems as though everything has been leading up to this..
up to our meeting.
up to our discovering.
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And if I am to say [17 Apr 2008|09:23pm]
that I love you
in such a way
that I've never felt before..
What would come of this?
Would it end our longing to kiss...
could it prompt you to make your move...
a final decision must be made
we can't keep up with these games.
This is not to be passed by...
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Wanton Hearts [17 Apr 2008|08:58pm]
and to look at you
and feel the way I do
your eyes a steady gaze
and kisses to amaze
take me in your wanton heart
and we'll make promises to never part
oh could they be kept?
I'll keep you close
as you will keep me
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Oh and in this moment. [17 Apr 2008|07:30pm]
There are so many things
happening
that so many people would
disapprove of.
But, I can't care.
No not now, caring for other things is for another time.
Not now... all I can care about is you.

This is perfection.
You are perfection.
Oh
my
god.
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So Justin Messaged me on MSN [16 Apr 2008|07:05pm]
and it just showed an MSN instant message pop up at first.
My heart skipped a beat, I jumped.
It was Justin.
For one brief moment I thought it would be you.
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And it stings [16 Apr 2008|03:56pm]
as once again I am left waiting in the wings
for what?
Your reply which I wait for in such anticipation
Nothing ever goes as planned
and god damn every noise surrounding me
I only want to hear your voice
but it can't be.
And I don't want that for me.
Or you. For that fact.
What was that promise you made?
Words are weak and always fade...
yeah just give it time


Basically I'm sick.
I had an okay day at school.
Truth be told, I was inspired and quite optimistic.
Mostly anticipating someones reply and of course
well.... there was no reply... though he had read it all.
there was no reply
*I'm not one to leave and never return*
your words wont leave
even when I know they are lies.
Now here I am. Here. And now.
Alone.
At home.
And there are noises and yelling and arguments and just a general feeling of negativity.
Oh and I want it to end.
God.
But I'm happy.
I have him...
david.
David.
I love him.
Not..... any other boy.
In that way....
Am I lying?
Am I protecting myself from the hurt threatening to tear me apart.
I'm not one to live a lie... I once loved one, and I'll never do that again.
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and so I do wish. [15 Apr 2008|04:02pm]
I do wish someone was online.
I do wish he was online.
I do wish you were online.
More so you than anyone else.
Tell me, is that wrong?
To have such an unexplainable connection with one you could never actually have...
You are unattainable, intangible in every sense of the word.
I now am, in my own way, unattainable and intangible to you.
But don't you know? I would drop it in a heartbeat
if I could have you.
if I could Keep You.
Like you asked me to.
Like you wanted me to.
What is this?
Something we questioned before...
You say chance.
I insist on something more.
Of course nothing can be done, for now.

I hope to change how strong this is...
If only I could explain it.
If only I could identify it.
If only I could forget it.
Forget you...
(but then, would I be missing out?)
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An attempt to forget [13 Apr 2008|10:15pm]
I decide to forget you.
As you will most likely forget me.
I surround myself with others to replace you
as you will replace me with her...as you should, since she is the one you love
But you linger
and you don't go away.
But you will in time, I can't expect a miracle now can I?
Oh....
Just leave me be.
Leave my mind.
Let my thoughts be clouded by someone new
Someone who's not you
Someone who I can have.
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Passing Through... [13 Apr 2008|03:39pm]

            And her pain was evident upon her face. No tears, (as though they have threatened) fell, but they lingered on her lids. She held back, letting only soft sobs escape from her tightened lips. His words invading her mind with a mix of joy and the most exquisite ache she has never felt before. Something so completely new and it was not hers to keep, nor was it his. Despite the mutuality of the situation, both parties knew, for their better judgment reminded them, it could never be. At least, not now, and if not now, then when? It seemed as though the bitter answer was “Never” yet hope dwindled and daunted her like a dangling thread of gold just out of her reach. Plagued by these thoughts she wondered if he could possibly be going through the same experience, but no, he had another love, unlike herself who was alone. He, of course, could have a distraction, oh and how easily she was forgotten. Despite his words, despite what feeling they held, of course they were empty. His words hung in a vacant space within her mind, she vainly attempted to make something of them, but she knew that they were nothing. Of course, this would pass, as did all the others, even though this was unlike the others perhaps she just made it seem like it was and in truth (regrettable truth) it was just identical. In this revelation she decided to forget him as she would be forgotten, his promise meant nothing, how he said “she would see”, that he was “not one to leave and never return”. He had left her because he was never with her, so of course, there would be no “return” and never would he “arrive”. Besides, this affair was all by chance and nothing more, perhaps her philosophy of life and how “Everything happens for a reason” and that there was fate was immeasurably incorrect. That had to be it, which was the truth that she did not want to face, but here it was staring her down threatening to drown her in its horrid legitimacy. Unless, she just accepted it, then she would not drown, but overcome it and move on. Accepting something that you have never believed in is very difficult but she would do this. How could she not do this? Accepting this reality was her only hope at moving on and surviving. Yes, now this was the end of one thing, and the beginning of another. With a final sigh, she let it go.

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I... want you... to keep me... [13 Apr 2008|03:15pm]
and your words stay with me
they haunt my thoughts
invading my soul bringing exquisite pain
and a mixture of love
for that is nothing I've heard before
you mean so much more
than anything ever has
and this isn't real
it's a fantasy linked by both our minds
and I just wish this could have come at a better time...
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[13 Apr 2008|02:39pm]
And really, I think it's okay.
I don't know how this will go.
But I can't just end things and wait for them to get better, that isn't how you deal with things.
Honestly...
Oh, but doubt always lingers, I could be making it worse...couldn't I?
But everything happens for a reason yes?
And I can't stand ignoring....I'm very um.. confrontational?
I just can't hold things in...when stuff..
oh I'm confused. but it'll be okay...yes.


Annnnnnnnnnd still losing weight. Hurrah!
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And when I don't know, I wish I did [13 Apr 2008|02:05pm]
I really don't know.
And you ask me these things as if I should.
Aren't you the one saying how I act like I know everything
when I reply "I know nothing"
Of course those words are unheard
and you live your life...
until the questioning begins once again
you expect an answer and I have none.
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[12 Apr 2008|10:19pm]
black and blue
berated
a rainbow of tender pain
and blackened bleeding knuckles
oh you shouldn't slam your fist into glass
try something that wont shatter

----

its a discovery
of what could be
of what shouldn't be
but is
in a temporary form.
Where will this go
and will we ever know?
Before someone slams the breaks
too hard
and puts this to an end...

---

thoughts of you
seeing your smile
for the first time
I love how it looks in my mind
and your eyes
clear and true
I imagine how I would hug you
a gentle squeeze
an excited embrace
or will my arms envelop you with tender warmth
I cling to this hopes
that may never become reality
all this is, a mere fantasy
oh, but please...let this be.
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[12 Apr 2008|08:23pm]
oh, how do you do the things you do to me?
This feeling of lightness at your words.
I'm so happy that I'm going crazy
the flitting in my chest
butterflies I've never felt before...

and damn it.
Its not right.
But I can't put up a fight.
I'm too weak for you.
I'm overcome with emotion
and its all for you.

You've stolen me.
All of me.
My heart.
My mind.
and
My body.
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